Welcome to the inside of my head!!!! My journal is a place where I let my thoughts off their leash and they get to run free. Unafraid of what others might think, feel, or say. Here I will be sharing with you everything that is important to me. That could be anything from the state of our beloved planet to my new favorite nail polish. Do your thoughts have a playground where they can let loose and be free? I invite you to "gift" yourself and your thoughts by keeping a journal. You never know what new and fun things you might find in there.Tomiko

2009-05-09

Has this ever happened to you? Your life is going along smoothly. You are happy with your love life. Your career is where you want it to be. You like the way your body looks (if even just temporarily). Basically, it's all good. Then, BAM!!!! Something happens that just upsets everything and you are thrown off balance because of it.

Well, that's what I'm going through right now. I have been consciously creating the reality I choose for myself. I've taken ownership of the state of my existence and have been doing what is necessary to bring about the light-filled life I desire. I took on a healthier lifestlye and have been eating better and working out. I'm currently on the east coast stoking the embers of my modeling career and have been getting great feedback. Actually, I just booked an 8-page fashion story for a major magazine that shoots in NY next week! So excited about that! And my relationships with my husband, brother and the rest of my family are blossoming into something I used to only dream of. You get my point. I'm in a good place.

The first BAM that happened several weeks ago was the passing of my sister, Shneequa. Even though I knew that her spirit was ready to go and I had time to process that information, it was still difficult to handle. But as I've said before, I am choosing to honor my sister's life by celebrating and fully living my own. I know that's what she would want. So my healing has been organically happening and I've been feeling more at peace.

The most recent BAM was the unexpected death of my stepfather. The day after I arrived to NY, he had a massive stroke. Six days later (on my birthday), he died. What!?!?!?!? This cannot be happening. Stop. Breathe. Regroup.

Let me tell you a little bit about my stepfather, Tony. He came into my life when I was 5 years old. My mother, sister, Tony and I were a family. Even though he wasn't our biological father, he stepped into that role the best that he could. We never were able to establish the whole "Daddy's Little Girl" thing, but I know that he loved my sister and I very much. Some of my fondest memories of Tony are his love of music (our house was always jamming because of his extensive record collection), our family nights out to the "fancy" Chinese restaurant, our amazingly decadent Christmases (my sister and I had every doll on the market), and so much more. And the best gift of all was the birth of my brother, Terrell. I have Tony (and my mother, of course) to thank for bringing him into our lives.

Unfortunately (or not), Tony and my mother separated shortly before her passing in 1991. My relationship with him was affected by that and we pretty much went our separate ways. We would remain in touch over the years, mainly to discuss Terrell. But we never got back to the place we were when I was young.

Fast forward to March of this year. We were at my sister's funeral. Tony didn't look well, but he downplayed it. I had no idea that that would be the last time I would see him alive.

I have learned that when the BAMs happen, there is usually a lesson to be learned from them. The lessons that I learned from Tony's passing are to cherish every moment with my loved ones, forgive past hurts/mistakes, take complete care of my physical and spiritual self, and to live life fully. The knowledge I've received from this sad situation will propel me upwards and outward from what could have turned into a dark place. I know better now and I want to share that knowledge with you.

Don't be afraid of the BAMs. They are necessary to push us along through our lives. They grow us up. Without them, we wouldn't get the wealth of knowledge and peace that comes from getting through them.

You know what? I'm going to dedicate all of my dancing to my stepfather. I LOVE to dance and I can't help but think that our house always being full of music when I was little has something to do with that. So when I dance now, my soul will smile and honor Tony.

Thank you, Tony. Rest in peace.